Hold my Hand

There are moments when I'm walking and I extend my hand behind me, expecting you to hold it.

Reasons (An Introduction)

I'm giving you these words because
You can't stand my voice
Much less my face.
You get sad because you know I'm
Not eating well and doing bad on money.
If I have a good day, I have
No one to share it with.
Everyone is too busy to hear what
I have to say
Or read what is
On these pages.
I figured you might care,
Or at least
A part of you will.
That's why I'm giving you my words.

Untitled

I know this girl who makes

Me smile the grin of a boy.

I know a girl who makes

Me nervous

And turns my stomach inwards.

I met her when I was young.

Teenage love; a tender, teenage love.

Romance and smiles,

Giggles and inseparability.

Falling asleep on the phone,

Waking up on the phone.

"Have a good day, I love you."

Long trips and life-long plans.

I wanted to buy her a pillow

Made of diamonds.

I wanted to buy her a house

Of cats and flightless birds.

I wanted her to have

A baby bear.

All I wanted in return

Was her love.

To You, The Self Proclaimer

To draw inspiration from all the
Horrible moments you have experienced,
Builds a slow rhythm inside of
Your Ego.
I play Watashi Wa and MXPX
Because my lucky number is not three,
Or ten or even 69.
If I told you
How often I see the disaster of
Your 'Chaos Theory,'
You would be content;
Because
You
Take
It
All
In
One 
Day
At
A
Time.
But there can never
Be anything wrong
With having a dream.
The sons and daughters
Of your finest enemy
Have offered him up for sacrifice.
If I hear shouting outside,
Forgive me for dancing.
That is how I grew
Up.
A push, a shove, a slam.
And the kids with pink
Mohawks and bullet belts
Mean more to me than your
Defiant nature.
You smoke weed and
Think yourself a hero?
Well that is as cool as
A rain puddle in May.
You must assume that I am
Impressed easily, by the
Way you behave like you 
Don't care.
You secretly use me in the
Similes you tell others
Such as 
'Vengeful like a savage,'
When nowhere in life I repaid
Your mistakes in any way.
Just because I don't respect the laws
Of men does not 
Mean my morality is none-existant.
Stop telling your friends I was an 
Asshole, because I don't tell anyone
You act like a bitch.
Those things mean nothing to me,
I'm trying to get my act together.
If I rip my heart out, I do
It to be daring, so you can
Follow by example.
You're not a rebel if you settle
With what this world has to offer.
Be bigger than that,
God made you for a reason.

Reggae

I set up our room to look like
A dance hall.
I set my favorite reggae song
And ask for your hand.
We dance and hold each other
Close.
As the music picks up, I dance
With your little sister.
Twirl and twirl.
I make her feel like a princess,
Joyful rhythm keeps the air lively
And we embrace before the song is over.
I look into your eyes and
You look into mine.
The song may be over, but
Our love is not.

A Rosetta Stone Conversation

I wish I knew all the languages in
The world.
That way, I knew how to say "I love you"
In something other than English, Spanish, French or Tagalog.
My hopes are that you'll understand one of them.

Untitled

A sinful man must walk away
From all that is holy so he
Can continue falling.
A lack of love will have him
Come running back when he realizes
The world holds nothing on layaway.
Free speech, a wild soul, a thinking
Mind and the ability to feel.
These you can not take away from
A man, no matter his past transgressions.

Coming to Terms With the Miscarriage

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius, I think about how much gas we saved driving to Northern California. Which in turn, reminds me of all the beautiful memories we had from there. I think, if we would have had our son, he could have been a month old at the time. I'm pretty sure it was a boy because we both said we wanted one. One month old and he already knew a different part of the state; what a bright future he would had had. I know he would have been the best of you and me.

You said you don't think it was a miscarriage, but I don't think that is right. We were not playing it safe in that era of our lives. The way you described it sounded too much like one to not be.

You also have this funny way of suppressing traumas. I think because of your brokenness; because of everything you had to endure in your life. My brokenness is different; it's the type that doesn't let you sleep at night and beats your self-worth to a bloody pulp. It's the kind that never let's you live things down and creates a bitter, stone-cold heart.

I wasn't mad at you! I was infuriated with myself!

It was for all I put you through, for all the forgiveness I felt I didn't deserve.

"Had you not gone through enough?" I would ask myself. I made myself so useless, pitiful and inexcusable that your kind words meant little to me. A dead child in a Las Vegas casino bathroom stall is not what a man puts a woman he loves through. I felt irresponsible and unfit to be your boyfriend, much less your husband. That is why I changed. Well, one of the reasons. The others are for other confessions.
I miss him, this unborn son. I see his face in my pets eyes' & in little boys on playgrounds. I sometimes hear his laughter at work. I would have taken care of him to the best of my abilities; I would have held our little family together with whatever strength I had at the time.

You forgot about it, left it as it was(you were so scared that day). I let it consume me and let the guilt make me sour and careless. My uncertainty about children is no more; I know I want another shot at fatherhood one day. I hope, one day, you can come to terms with the past and no longer suppress it; but, rather, forgive and forget it. Perhaps pray for his soul, I find it helps often.

To Remain Comforted

When we leave the comfort of love,
We find solace or warm bodies.
Everyone is hurt, everyone is alone.

To the gentleman who took his life
when he felt no more love from anyone:
I wish I knew you;
I would have hugged you and
Told you how much you matter.
We could have gone to eat corn dogs
By the beach and I would have used
Words like "champ" and "tiger" to 
Refer to you.

Old chap, I wish I knew you;
Because I need a friend, and I
Find the best kinds of friends
Are the ones that need friends too.

Untitled

Everyone seems to be fighting lately.
There's been a lot of moments at home when
I wish I was in Australia instead.
I hear yelling; it brings back unpleasant memories.
One night I almost killed myself, but God
Told me not to.
I'm surrounded by eggshells and my
World is a library.
I pretend all is well between us,
Yet I'm bombarded with proof we are not.

Days to Come?

I hope one day we can get a flat.

We'll share a room because we'll be married at this point.

We'll stay up all night playing my records.

We'll dance a little, sing a little, kiss a lot.

The next day we can wake up and do it all over again.

A Confrontation of Sorts

If I wanted to give you everything you wanted last year during this one, would you take it?
I tried, but you denied me. I don't mean to sound desperate, but I feel you're missing in my life. I feel you are trying to replace me in yours. I don't know if you are trying to replace me, but I insist that you can't. The masks they wear only harbor darker evils. I am finally ready for you, yet you're busy trying to hide your hurt.
My body is numb, my lips are bleeding.
I stay up sometimes in case you decide to call. I just want to love you for the rest of my life. What's wrong with that? I want to make for lost time, is there a problem? Life's struggles make more sense with you by my side.
Do you hate me? Because it sure feels like it.

The Rules Change

Being young and in love,
I won't appreciate this
Idea until I am old 
Laying in bed, her hand on 
My chest, so regal,
So charming.

Holding hands in the
City, slowly stepping into
The "Chaos" of it
All and emerging
Unscathed.
I think I wrote
Her a ballad once.

Never let her cry,
Always kiss her twice.
The rules of life
Change around her;
Bullets and insults
Are taken for her.
I love, I am in love,
I am love.
For her.

Message Sent

When I think of you,
I'm usually popping blisters in my mouth.
Barbarous pus and iron blood.
But you're not really you.
Two days ago you died and took a 
Piece of my happiness with you.
No one tells me anything and
Doors are left shut.
I had fun, but I'm tired
Of all my calls going to voicemail.

Untitled

Driving to the Salton Sea with a
Pack of menthols, 20 rolls of film and
Cold Cave on the radio.

Rockets

I anticipate that the time will come
When melancholy will overtake you.
And then you won't know what to do.
Plebeians walk the streets with
Hissing tongues and pasted-on smiles.
Lead them home and let
The Carnage ensue.
I'll fire off rockets to the
Moon in your name, so
That everyone can remember
Who you once were.

Words as an Out

Guilt overtook you, so

You went blind. 

You form new friendships,

Meet new people.

Changes take hold

And we all forget

Who we used to be.

I think you faded

Away with the words

Of the book I read last week.

Did you read one too?

Three weeks have passed and I

Haven't heard from you.

California King

For Seven Days Straight

I Have Been Cashing In On

My Desires, Critical To All Progress.

Fading Smoke And Empty Stomaches. 

The Bubonic Mess That Was You

And Me And California King

Still Haunts Me.

I Submitted

            To You.

                   Instead You 

      Quitted On me.