How?

How can you sleep?
Does not constant sweating and anxiety keep you up?
All I can hear is the past calling me back to living a
Life that was blind, miserable and in love with
All the wrong things in this world.
Perhaps I may never go to bed,
I'll stay up thinking of all the things I could have
Done better,
Or less worst.
My self-destruction no longer lies
In the intake of chemicals;
Rather it is of a man who no longer
Believes in the little good left in the world.
I never thought myself fit into the universe of
Today, no matter how many cigarettes and Vicodin
I go through in one night.
My mind wanders to a time when prayers
Felt like they were never answered
And all I could do is question the very nature
Of the divine.
I lost so much in my life,
what then is there left to live for?

On one night I tried dying because You
Stopped caring; because no matter how
Many convulsions I went through, all
You could tell me was how I need to
Get my act together.
You never bothered to play me a melancholy
Tune on your playlist of life.
I don't blame myself for lighting cars on fire
Or throwing rocks at peoples' windows at midnight.
Sometimes we want to see others suffer
With us, that's when we feel the least loneliest.

But I've been told to rejoice in my suffering,
I've been told to never cease praying.
I can imagine that after we are done with our problems,
We can take a look at the world's problems and how
We all play a part in them.
Selfish children of America,
When will You be able to stay awake like me?
Stop blazing in your bed, your
Wrists weren't made for razorblades.
Maybe one day we can end it all,
And let Love take over.
Meanwhile, I'll sit on lonely nights telling
My past to stop haunting me.
Insomnia of the soul,
I'm guilty of it.

Seeking You

My hope is that I'll run into You.

I still keep my eyes out for the moment.

Tired of it All

I'll buy what I like;

Materials, materials, materials.

As if the void to fill was

 That small.

I would create as many 

Different personas

And fantasies

As I had wanted,

But it only made me

Miss you.

De-Tox, Re-Tox, De-Tox

I took you to the toxic beach
To spew profanities at a world that hates us.
One can not merely run into the ocean and
Expect to be cleansed.
You have to ask for it my little darling,
Want it.
Cults gather all around  and read their
Scripture off personal walls.
Instants are captures in little bottles
And held prisoners until they no
Longer hold importance to the
Religion of Harlequins.
"We all care..."
Yet we respond:
"Look deep inside; no you don't."
My little darling, pay no heed
To the the tongues of vileness and
Walk beside me.
We'll depart from this forsaken
Land soon enough.

Anxious

My life is a movie

That I can't fast

Forward towards you.

People Are Closure Oriented

People are closure oriented.
I can prove it.
I have a friend who holds on 
To his past, the grip of a
Titan because he is closure oriented.
He is not closure aligned,
He is not closure coordinated.

How can you not see it?
He will always live in his past,
Because he will not give in to the future.
An orientation won't necessarily get you anywhere,
Not if you stand still.

People are closure oriented.
We part ways, we cry for days,
We assure ourselves it will all go well,
We pride ourselves of going through hell.
We are closure oriented, but how many
Of us have truly moved on?
Our friends say we moved on,
Our families say we moved on,
Our coworkers do too.
The barista at Starbucks says you moved on.
The old man crossing the street says you have.
The kids walking home from school say you did move on.
But one,
One person assures you that you have not:
You, because you're closure oriented.

6/8/2014

Don't quite know what to make of today. Today once meant something; today would be a day to look forward to. Now it only feels ordinary with all the fake smiles and inner-sulking of a defeated protagonist. I tried holding on to all the beautiful memories, but I can't help but feel like it all dangles on some thin thread. I expected a phone call from you, at least to ask me how I've been. I woke up at 3AM waiting. I couldn't sleep, you keep me up in my dreams with all the things we could have done over the span of five years. I'm not sleeping tonight because you won't leave my mind. I'm not sleeping tonight because I'll hold on to this day as long as I can; so that I may not miss your call, so that I may be there when the truth comes out. Until then I'll fight the urge of nicotine numbness and alcoholic squander. It'll chip the dam but it won't break it. Don't keep me waiting for too long, it's always too long.

Playlist

1. Death of Lovers - Shaken
2. The XX - Shelter
3. The Cure - Love Song
4. City and Colour - Coming Home
5. Daughter - Youth
6. Cold Cave - Underworld USA
7. City and Colour - The Girl 
8. Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
9. Nothing - Downward Years to Come
10. We Are Trees - Sunrise Sunset
11. City and Colour - The Harm and the Hurry
12. Chelsea Wolfe - Sunstorm

Trapped

Maybe you're somewhere else.

Perhaps in another land.

But I'm a prisoner in this country.