You and Your Doppelgänger (In Three Steps)

I.

I saw your doppelgänger today.

She made me smile and reminded

Me of how happy you make me.

I wanted to hug her and

Tell her how much I cared about her,

But I opted for the real deal instead.

That's why I jumped on the trampoline with you,

That's why I sent you poetry in the middle of the night.

See, I always preferred having you

Over some carbon copy who

Can't speak like you or stroke my hair

As your soft fingers can.

I ignored your ghost because I had you in my arms.

II.

I saw your doppelgänger today.

She smiled at me a false set of teeth;

I can't know what she is hiding.

I thought that maybe we could fix this,

I thought we could move past the

Panhandling act I always seem

To make around you;

We believed ourselves to have the worst

Expectation, but reality is as cruel

As your doppelgänger is devious.

I can't help but be tripped up around her,

Because she is all I have left of you.

You left without a 'goodbye,' just a 'good luck.'

She stalks my every move, this doppelgänger,

To mock every failure and broken moment.

She's like the second-place trophy

That you only get because 

They pity the loser.

Yet she won't come near me,

She is always far away.

She's always the memory that escapes me and

The far away person I can never catch up on time

Before I lose them.

The ones in parking lots

Or restaurants 

Or bookstores.

III.

I saw your doppelgänger today.

There was a slight ringing in my ear,

I think someone yelled my name out

Once upon a time.

I am hollow,

You are spectral.

It is as if something were missing.

She told me once she wanted to

Kill you, so as to keep

Me all to herself.

She can't do it though;

She has no clue where you are.

Neither do I.

She hopes you'll come back one day; She knows

You are silk, and

I am grit.

You're the light that taps the morning dew,

I'm the groan right before open eyes.

You're the fist right before the fight,

I'm the silk sheet over a corpse.

You're the tree that never bends to the wind,

I'm the pitter-patter of a rainy afternoon.

You're the analogy of all my stories,

I'm the writer with the fleeting pages.

Time, Not Space

It's all quite hilarious.

I searched in every

Place I could

For you.

Miles racking up.

Blisters formed on my feet,

My eyes became strained.

Yet it was not a place

I met you in,

But a

Moment

 In time.

Taking Action

There are times where I

Look in unlikely places for you.

All I Could Ever Want

My biggest plague is never
Being good enough.
Yet all I could ever want
Is everybody's happiness.

A ghostly harmonica receives
Very little praise;
My mind could never
Wrap it's way along
Those lines such as
"Love conquers all."
It all felt like a lie, a dream.
A lo-fi rendition of something
Some great musician wrote about once, long ago.
I stand at parks in my time off and feel
Alone, pretty alone.
I always keep a knife in my pocket,
Because I carved our initials on a bench,
Knowing people will see how much I cared for you.

A cymbal will crash for only but a second.
My smile would never be the same
After I realized those who care the most
Felt like the ones who hurt you the most.
Irony is strange and never welcomed.
When you have things tug-a-warring inside of you,
All you can do is say "This is all some sick joke."

The strum never lasted and 
I never finished painting the picture of our
Future home; I left it in a sketch book.
I will always blame myself, blame the lies,
And blame our lack of understanding.
We were never perfect but came so close,
Like a fever that almost sweated the malady out.
Yet it didn't come soon enough.

In the distance I can hear the hum of your car,
Your steps form a tune that you gracefully take
Little by little.
Look into your mirror, you'll only see yourself.
Fix that stray hair, smile like you mean it
And become the conqueror you were meant to be.
Slow gusts compliment you the best,
Keep walking in them.
Never let the songs in your heart depart,
They may be the only thing that is left of me.

The Big Heave (Part 2)

The Big Heave

I walked the bars

And crawled the streets,

Dragging my feet,

Hanging my head low.

We never crossed paths.

It Wasn't You

There was one day

When I thought I 

Saw you, so I ran

Very quickly to catch up

To you.

However, it was not

You,

But

Someone else.

Seeking You(Part 2)

How?

How can you sleep?
Does not constant sweating and anxiety keep you up?
All I can hear is the past calling me back to living a
Life that was blind, miserable and in love with
All the wrong things in this world.
Perhaps I may never go to bed,
I'll stay up thinking of all the things I could have
Done better,
Or less worst.
My self-destruction no longer lies
In the intake of chemicals;
Rather it is of a man who no longer
Believes in the little good left in the world.
I never thought myself fit into the universe of
Today, no matter how many cigarettes and Vicodin
I go through in one night.
My mind wanders to a time when prayers
Felt like they were never answered
And all I could do is question the very nature
Of the divine.
I lost so much in my life,
what then is there left to live for?

On one night I tried dying because You
Stopped caring; because no matter how
Many convulsions I went through, all
You could tell me was how I need to
Get my act together.
You never bothered to play me a melancholy
Tune on your playlist of life.
I don't blame myself for lighting cars on fire
Or throwing rocks at peoples' windows at midnight.
Sometimes we want to see others suffer
With us, that's when we feel the least loneliest.

But I've been told to rejoice in my suffering,
I've been told to never cease praying.
I can imagine that after we are done with our problems,
We can take a look at the world's problems and how
We all play a part in them.
Selfish children of America,
When will You be able to stay awake like me?
Stop blazing in your bed, your
Wrists weren't made for razorblades.
Maybe one day we can end it all,
And let Love take over.
Meanwhile, I'll sit on lonely nights telling
My past to stop haunting me.
Insomnia of the soul,
I'm guilty of it.

Seeking You

My hope is that I'll run into You.

I still keep my eyes out for the moment.

Tired of it All

I'll buy what I like;

Materials, materials, materials.

As if the void to fill was

 That small.

I would create as many 

Different personas

And fantasies

As I had wanted,

But it only made me

Miss you.

De-Tox, Re-Tox, De-Tox

I took you to the toxic beach
To spew profanities at a world that hates us.
One can not merely run into the ocean and
Expect to be cleansed.
You have to ask for it my little darling,
Want it.
Cults gather all around  and read their
Scripture off personal walls.
Instants are captures in little bottles
And held prisoners until they no
Longer hold importance to the
Religion of Harlequins.
"We all care..."
Yet we respond:
"Look deep inside; no you don't."
My little darling, pay no heed
To the the tongues of vileness and
Walk beside me.
We'll depart from this forsaken
Land soon enough.

Anxious

My life is a movie

That I can't fast

Forward towards you.

People Are Closure Oriented

People are closure oriented.
I can prove it.
I have a friend who holds on 
To his past, the grip of a
Titan because he is closure oriented.
He is not closure aligned,
He is not closure coordinated.

How can you not see it?
He will always live in his past,
Because he will not give in to the future.
An orientation won't necessarily get you anywhere,
Not if you stand still.

People are closure oriented.
We part ways, we cry for days,
We assure ourselves it will all go well,
We pride ourselves of going through hell.
We are closure oriented, but how many
Of us have truly moved on?
Our friends say we moved on,
Our families say we moved on,
Our coworkers do too.
The barista at Starbucks says you moved on.
The old man crossing the street says you have.
The kids walking home from school say you did move on.
But one,
One person assures you that you have not:
You, because you're closure oriented.

6/8/2014

Don't quite know what to make of today. Today once meant something; today would be a day to look forward to. Now it only feels ordinary with all the fake smiles and inner-sulking of a defeated protagonist. I tried holding on to all the beautiful memories, but I can't help but feel like it all dangles on some thin thread. I expected a phone call from you, at least to ask me how I've been. I woke up at 3AM waiting. I couldn't sleep, you keep me up in my dreams with all the things we could have done over the span of five years. I'm not sleeping tonight because you won't leave my mind. I'm not sleeping tonight because I'll hold on to this day as long as I can; so that I may not miss your call, so that I may be there when the truth comes out. Until then I'll fight the urge of nicotine numbness and alcoholic squander. It'll chip the dam but it won't break it. Don't keep me waiting for too long, it's always too long.

Playlist

1. Death of Lovers - Shaken
2. The XX - Shelter
3. The Cure - Love Song
4. City and Colour - Coming Home
5. Daughter - Youth
6. Cold Cave - Underworld USA
7. City and Colour - The Girl 
8. Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
9. Nothing - Downward Years to Come
10. We Are Trees - Sunrise Sunset
11. City and Colour - The Harm and the Hurry
12. Chelsea Wolfe - Sunstorm

Trapped

Maybe you're somewhere else.

Perhaps in another land.

But I'm a prisoner in this country.

Find Me

Sometimes I sit around,

Thinking you'll come and find me.

Xanax Dreams

All I could truly remember
Was almost stabbing a guy in 
The neck
And all the chili cheese fries I thought I ate.
Chemical imbalances in dirty bathrooms.
The room spun and before I knew it
I was at home, laying with her.
She was mad but she couldn't say "no" to cuddling.

Numb.

Xanax dreams have never felt so hubristic
Because she was there with me making
Excuses and cleaning my room.
All I was left to was mumbles,
She had to go home.
I woke up alone at midnight,
Drool on pillow,
Shame along with it.
The glory of tombstones
Was far from tantalizing.
I died for a few hours,
No one seemed to have noticed.

Suburban Scars

Raiding your mother's liquor cabinet.
Buying valium off the
Kids at school.
I wandered the streets,
Skated home at times,
Hoping to run into you.
Knife fights and
Books on radical politics
Never brought me closer.
I was always empty.

Untitled

I gave you a book so you could read

It, not put it away in a box.

I wanted you to read

So you could understand how

It all felt.

I think you're too proud to humor me

And perhaps think I do things

To piss you off.

I may frustrate you

But what do you want

Me to do when I love you so much.

Please forgive me for making you the most

Important person in my life.

These Phantom Vibrations are Getting Annoying

Pluck my phone from my pocket,

Due to the phantom vibrations.

An expectancy that everything will

Work out in the end; a promise

Shall become fulfilled and 

I will never worry about that

Loneliness which shivers my bones

On December midnights.

I never seem to get what I want

Yet could only use someone to talk to.

A sense of importance to someone tends

To be the focus of the month.

There is nothing more to speak of, you are

Closing the door in my face and turning off all the lights.

No more smiles at screens, we'll make this

Count for

Something much bigger than

The list of friends we put on 

Display for the world.

Throw my phone into the ocean,

I'm sick of phantom vibrations.

Bloody Nose Last Night

Yesterday, I spent my morning
Wiping all the blood off the floor.
They punched me in the face all night.
Now I know it's several of them.

Hold my Hand

There are moments when I'm walking and I extend my hand behind me, expecting you to hold it.

Reasons (An Introduction)

I'm giving you these words because
You can't stand my voice
Much less my face.
You get sad because you know I'm
Not eating well and doing bad on money.
If I have a good day, I have
No one to share it with.
Everyone is too busy to hear what
I have to say
Or read what is
On these pages.
I figured you might care,
Or at least
A part of you will.
That's why I'm giving you my words.

Untitled

I know this girl who makes

Me smile the grin of a boy.

I know a girl who makes

Me nervous

And turns my stomach inwards.

I met her when I was young.

Teenage love; a tender, teenage love.

Romance and smiles,

Giggles and inseparability.

Falling asleep on the phone,

Waking up on the phone.

"Have a good day, I love you."

Long trips and life-long plans.

I wanted to buy her a pillow

Made of diamonds.

I wanted to buy her a house

Of cats and flightless birds.

I wanted her to have

A baby bear.

All I wanted in return

Was her love.

To You, The Self Proclaimer

To draw inspiration from all the
Horrible moments you have experienced,
Builds a slow rhythm inside of
Your Ego.
I play Watashi Wa and MXPX
Because my lucky number is not three,
Or ten or even 69.
If I told you
How often I see the disaster of
Your 'Chaos Theory,'
You would be content;
Because
You
Take
It
All
In
One 
Day
At
A
Time.
But there can never
Be anything wrong
With having a dream.
The sons and daughters
Of your finest enemy
Have offered him up for sacrifice.
If I hear shouting outside,
Forgive me for dancing.
That is how I grew
Up.
A push, a shove, a slam.
And the kids with pink
Mohawks and bullet belts
Mean more to me than your
Defiant nature.
You smoke weed and
Think yourself a hero?
Well that is as cool as
A rain puddle in May.
You must assume that I am
Impressed easily, by the
Way you behave like you 
Don't care.
You secretly use me in the
Similes you tell others
Such as 
'Vengeful like a savage,'
When nowhere in life I repaid
Your mistakes in any way.
Just because I don't respect the laws
Of men does not 
Mean my morality is none-existant.
Stop telling your friends I was an 
Asshole, because I don't tell anyone
You act like a bitch.
Those things mean nothing to me,
I'm trying to get my act together.
If I rip my heart out, I do
It to be daring, so you can
Follow by example.
You're not a rebel if you settle
With what this world has to offer.
Be bigger than that,
God made you for a reason.

Reggae

I set up our room to look like
A dance hall.
I set my favorite reggae song
And ask for your hand.
We dance and hold each other
Close.
As the music picks up, I dance
With your little sister.
Twirl and twirl.
I make her feel like a princess,
Joyful rhythm keeps the air lively
And we embrace before the song is over.
I look into your eyes and
You look into mine.
The song may be over, but
Our love is not.

A Rosetta Stone Conversation

I wish I knew all the languages in
The world.
That way, I knew how to say "I love you"
In something other than English, Spanish, French or Tagalog.
My hopes are that you'll understand one of them.

Untitled

A sinful man must walk away
From all that is holy so he
Can continue falling.
A lack of love will have him
Come running back when he realizes
The world holds nothing on layaway.
Free speech, a wild soul, a thinking
Mind and the ability to feel.
These you can not take away from
A man, no matter his past transgressions.

Coming to Terms With the Miscarriage

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius, I think about how much gas we saved driving to Northern California. Which in turn, reminds me of all the beautiful memories we had from there. I think, if we would have had our son, he could have been a month old at the time. I'm pretty sure it was a boy because we both said we wanted one. One month old and he already knew a different part of the state; what a bright future he would had had. I know he would have been the best of you and me.

You said you don't think it was a miscarriage, but I don't think that is right. We were not playing it safe in that era of our lives. The way you described it sounded too much like one to not be.

You also have this funny way of suppressing traumas. I think because of your brokenness; because of everything you had to endure in your life. My brokenness is different; it's the type that doesn't let you sleep at night and beats your self-worth to a bloody pulp. It's the kind that never let's you live things down and creates a bitter, stone-cold heart.

I wasn't mad at you! I was infuriated with myself!

It was for all I put you through, for all the forgiveness I felt I didn't deserve.

"Had you not gone through enough?" I would ask myself. I made myself so useless, pitiful and inexcusable that your kind words meant little to me. A dead child in a Las Vegas casino bathroom stall is not what a man puts a woman he loves through. I felt irresponsible and unfit to be your boyfriend, much less your husband. That is why I changed. Well, one of the reasons. The others are for other confessions.
I miss him, this unborn son. I see his face in my pets eyes' & in little boys on playgrounds. I sometimes hear his laughter at work. I would have taken care of him to the best of my abilities; I would have held our little family together with whatever strength I had at the time.

You forgot about it, left it as it was(you were so scared that day). I let it consume me and let the guilt make me sour and careless. My uncertainty about children is no more; I know I want another shot at fatherhood one day. I hope, one day, you can come to terms with the past and no longer suppress it; but, rather, forgive and forget it. Perhaps pray for his soul, I find it helps often.

To Remain Comforted

When we leave the comfort of love,
We find solace or warm bodies.
Everyone is hurt, everyone is alone.

To the gentleman who took his life
when he felt no more love from anyone:
I wish I knew you;
I would have hugged you and
Told you how much you matter.
We could have gone to eat corn dogs
By the beach and I would have used
Words like "champ" and "tiger" to 
Refer to you.

Old chap, I wish I knew you;
Because I need a friend, and I
Find the best kinds of friends
Are the ones that need friends too.

Untitled

Everyone seems to be fighting lately.
There's been a lot of moments at home when
I wish I was in Australia instead.
I hear yelling; it brings back unpleasant memories.
One night I almost killed myself, but God
Told me not to.
I'm surrounded by eggshells and my
World is a library.
I pretend all is well between us,
Yet I'm bombarded with proof we are not.

Days to Come?

I hope one day we can get a flat.

We'll share a room because we'll be married at this point.

We'll stay up all night playing my records.

We'll dance a little, sing a little, kiss a lot.

The next day we can wake up and do it all over again.

A Confrontation of Sorts

If I wanted to give you everything you wanted last year during this one, would you take it?
I tried, but you denied me. I don't mean to sound desperate, but I feel you're missing in my life. I feel you are trying to replace me in yours. I don't know if you are trying to replace me, but I insist that you can't. The masks they wear only harbor darker evils. I am finally ready for you, yet you're busy trying to hide your hurt.
My body is numb, my lips are bleeding.
I stay up sometimes in case you decide to call. I just want to love you for the rest of my life. What's wrong with that? I want to make for lost time, is there a problem? Life's struggles make more sense with you by my side.
Do you hate me? Because it sure feels like it.

The Rules Change

Being young and in love,
I won't appreciate this
Idea until I am old 
Laying in bed, her hand on 
My chest, so regal,
So charming.

Holding hands in the
City, slowly stepping into
The "Chaos" of it
All and emerging
Unscathed.
I think I wrote
Her a ballad once.

Never let her cry,
Always kiss her twice.
The rules of life
Change around her;
Bullets and insults
Are taken for her.
I love, I am in love,
I am love.
For her.

Message Sent

When I think of you,
I'm usually popping blisters in my mouth.
Barbarous pus and iron blood.
But you're not really you.
Two days ago you died and took a 
Piece of my happiness with you.
No one tells me anything and
Doors are left shut.
I had fun, but I'm tired
Of all my calls going to voicemail.

Untitled

Driving to the Salton Sea with a
Pack of menthols, 20 rolls of film and
Cold Cave on the radio.

Rockets

I anticipate that the time will come
When melancholy will overtake you.
And then you won't know what to do.
Plebeians walk the streets with
Hissing tongues and pasted-on smiles.
Lead them home and let
The Carnage ensue.
I'll fire off rockets to the
Moon in your name, so
That everyone can remember
Who you once were.

Words as an Out

Guilt overtook you, so

You went blind. 

You form new friendships,

Meet new people.

Changes take hold

And we all forget

Who we used to be.

I think you faded

Away with the words

Of the book I read last week.

Did you read one too?

Three weeks have passed and I

Haven't heard from you.