How?

How can you sleep?
Does not constant sweating and anxiety keep you up?
All I can hear is the past calling me back to living a
Life that was blind, miserable and in love with
All the wrong things in this world.
Perhaps I may never go to bed,
I'll stay up thinking of all the things I could have
Done better,
Or less worst.
My self-destruction no longer lies
In the intake of chemicals;
Rather it is of a man who no longer
Believes in the little good left in the world.
I never thought myself fit into the universe of
Today, no matter how many cigarettes and Vicodin
I go through in one night.
My mind wanders to a time when prayers
Felt like they were never answered
And all I could do is question the very nature
Of the divine.
I lost so much in my life,
what then is there left to live for?

On one night I tried dying because You
Stopped caring; because no matter how
Many convulsions I went through, all
You could tell me was how I need to
Get my act together.
You never bothered to play me a melancholy
Tune on your playlist of life.
I don't blame myself for lighting cars on fire
Or throwing rocks at peoples' windows at midnight.
Sometimes we want to see others suffer
With us, that's when we feel the least loneliest.

But I've been told to rejoice in my suffering,
I've been told to never cease praying.
I can imagine that after we are done with our problems,
We can take a look at the world's problems and how
We all play a part in them.
Selfish children of America,
When will You be able to stay awake like me?
Stop blazing in your bed, your
Wrists weren't made for razorblades.
Maybe one day we can end it all,
And let Love take over.
Meanwhile, I'll sit on lonely nights telling
My past to stop haunting me.
Insomnia of the soul,
I'm guilty of it.